Just an average?

As a kid, her parents wanted her to excel in everything (just like all brown parents!). They were so proud of their little daughter and never stopped her from taking part in things but she was just average, average at everything, amazing at nothing! She felt pressurized but she tried to handle it and gave it her best shot.
So she took part in everything. She danced in annual functions with other kids, and sometimes at home on the most random and ridiculous Bollywood songs. She sang in the school choir with her classmates. She drew in her art notebook and in the school art class with all her concentration and effort. She wrote diary entries that soon turned into rants, poems and sometimes letters to friends who had changed schools. She read books, the famous cliched books. She took part in some bare minimum sports. But just an average in all of them. Present everywhere, but not known to be there by any, not a necessary part of anything. Jack of all trades, master of none.

For the longest time, she was an average in studies as well but at one point of time, she left all her other interests at bay and focused all her energy into studies to emerge as much better than she was at other things. This rush of confidence made her put more energy in this direction, leaving everything behind and she was able to make a mark for herself in a little better than average place in the world, with a little better than average college, a little better than average job! Nothing was THE BEST even now, but she had learnt that she was good at this and she’ll work it out.

Learning from her past that the only thing she was best at was studies, she thought that she can do her job really well. She tried but sometimes it was mentally exhausting, sometimes she felt that she was not good enough, sometimes she could not make time to do things properly or study things to do her job, sometimes she just wanted to enjoy the new phase of life and have fun, spend that hard earned money (maybe not so hard; go ahead, make the “that’s what she said joke”!). So with a lot of new confidence came the sense of dread and downfall that maybe she did not know enough, maybe she was just an average after all, no matter what she thought or did.

She tried to pursue the long lost interests of childhood. Write something, draw or paint a little, dance for herself and not just in the pub, read better books! But everywhere she looked, she was still an average at these things, in fact more average than she used to be as a kid and that was really demotivating.

But then came a realization, that what if she is an average? If everyone is going to be best at everything, naturally that “best” would be an average only (statistically speaking). So basically more often that not, someone or the other is going to make her feel like she sucks at what she does. Does that mean she should stop doing it? Should she stop doing her job if she is not the best developer out there? Maybe her company is not running solely on her contribution and maybe if she drops dead two days later, the company will not get affected. Maybe nobody reads what she writes, maybe people make fun of the stupid pictures of what she draws, maybe her dance covers lack that grace or jazz. Obviously people are much much better at it. So should she stop pursuing these interests because she is not good enough? Is that how it’s gonna end for her? Wondering in life, what is she good at and doing nothing at all while waiting?

So here I am, an average person, giving it a shot. Reading more books and writing my feelings and review on them; singing, sometimes, for those who would dare to listen; painting and pasting them on my wardrobe; learning dance covers (and promising a lot of friends that we will make a video someday, hopefully that day would come in this lifetime); learning a new language and trying to decode lyrics; working out more than I have ever done in my lifetime with a hope that someday I will nail that Chakrasana (I am still a beginner to even talk about headstands); cooking and discovering that I am not as bad as I used to think and I can differentiate between masalas; doing my job and giving my 100% but also accepting that I cannot be everywhere all the time and it is ok to not have all the answers because frankly nobody does!


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Transitioning to converting my thoughts into blogs from talking to myself about them

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